I don’t like writing posts about my personal life online because I don’t really think it’s anyone else’s business, but sometimes you just have to get shit out.
Today I am writing about how forgettable I seem to be.
This really wouldn’t be a problem if I had heard from my darling, attentive boyfriend more than once yesterday. I’m not needy; I don’t need people to talk to me 24/7 to maintain my sense of self worth, and I recognize I am a smart, beautiful, wacky individual, regardless of who I’m dating. But this is how my “thing” with that other guy went: text all the time, text every so often, text once in a while drunk, don’t hear anything for 3 months, see him at work for the first time since August, cry. It’s a great way to be, promise. And the way it went with dumbass Micheal, who is a cunt, by the way, was very similar: text all the time, text every so often, call a couple times a day to make me cry, call me once a day to make me cry, call me every so often to yell, break up. Also a really great way to be. If you can get yourself into an emotionally abusive relationship, by all means do it, I say. You only live once, so why not spend it with guys who scream at you or completely ignore you just in general?
My point here is that I’m human, and I like attention just as much as the next human, and when I get into a relationship with someone, I like to think it’s usually on the grounds that they’re going to treat me like I matter, and vice versa. THIS DOES NOT MEAN that I expect my man to be glued to the phone, wondering if I’m going to call or sending me all sorts of cute messages every five minutes. But a “good morning” text here and there is nice, and it would just be so lovely if the first time I heard from you wasn’t at 3pm because I told you I had to swim to physical therapy.
He told me a few days ago for the very first time without me having to say something first that he missed me. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen him since I’ve been home for the holidays. Now, I realize this is a big step for him because he’s always been a little emotionally distant towards me because, well, he’s a man, and men are sometimes like that for whatever reason. So I commend the effort he made to summon up the courage to tell me that. But if you miss me, why don’t I hear from you more?
If dumbass Micheal could forget how you’re supposed to treat another person, and that other guy could forget that I exist, and my boyfriend could just forget to talk to me, that seems to make me forgettable. I seem to be the constant in this equation. And this sucks just a little, because nobody likes to be forgotten. As far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t really feel like I’m dating anybody at all, because that hole in my heart has closed up and hardened over from being ignored so much. If you want me, make an effort.
People are dying, countries are fighting, children are starving, the world is at war, and so many of our brothers and sisters are alone because of this. Our generation is the first to be constantly connected through technology, and I’m not saying we should abuse it, but since we have the opportunity to be close without being in the same city, don’t you think we should take advantage of it?
In short, if I don’t hear from him tomorrow, I’m going to have something to say about it, and nobody’s going to want to be around me when that happens.
